New Watch

Holly and Penny were catching up for brunch at a café.

“Pen, you gotta check out my watch! Not only does it cover up all my disgusting wrist warts, but it’s loaded with all this crazy new technology. Like it gives me a shock if I make a contradictory statement.”

“Woah, that’s pretty high tech.”

“Yep, the future is now. Ouch! Oh, and it keeps track of how many BMs I’ve had. Today I’m on six.”

“Aw gross!”

“What, it’s perfectly natural! There’s nothing embarrassing about receiving boner messages.”

“Ahh, I thought you meant poos.”

“Oh my god, keep your voice down, we’re in public!”

“Sorry. Hey so is this new watch why you were actually on time today?”

“Yep! One of the best features is the alarm clock. It’s snooze proof! It won’t turn off until you physically get out of bed, exercise, shower, get dressed, leave the house and enter a five-digit pin.”

“Jeez that seems a bit excessive, why can’t it just be three digits?”

“And check out this app. It combines all the headlines from the day so I don’t have to waste time reading the news. President Minister of The United States of China Gives Birth to Vaccine Hurricane.”

“Aw man, I was gonna call my kid Vaccine Hurricane.”

“And you can watch TV shows on the watch! Yesterday I binge watched a few seasons of Becker.”

“Ah that’s funny cos yesterday I binge drank a few cases of Becks.”

“Er…I don’t think that’s quite the same.”

“You’re right, yours is sadder.”

“Another cool thing about this watch- it gives you a shock if you misquote a line from a movie.”

“Sounds like a pretty useless feature.”

“Well frankly my friend, I don’t give a shit. Ow!! OK, well I guess that’s not the precise quote from Mulan then.”

“Can you listen to music on it?”

“You bet!  On the way here I was rockin’ out to some classic 90s tracks. Apartment, Santa Monica, Sex and Candy…”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh that’s right, you’re British. Flat, Father Christmas Monica, and Shagging and Sweets.”

“Ahhh, I see, old chap, innit.”

“Speaking of music, my watch can identify a song just from someone humming it.”

“Oh yeah? Let’s see if it gets this. Hmmmm hmm hmmmm.”

“Drift Away by Dobie Gray.”

“WRONG YOU DUMB WATCH, IT’S DRIFT AWAY BY UNCLE KRACKER!”

“OK well, this thing is still pretty smart. Like check this out. Watchy, what’s the surname of the Italian guy I dated in uni?”

“Battery low.”

“Batterilo, that’s right! Oh and look at this, it also gives fun facts. Did you know an average computer keyboard contains more bacteria than a really great computer keyboard? Or that you can tell how old a tree is by counting how many years it’s been alive?”

“Where the hell is our coffee?”

“It’s also got a converter app. Like the other day I wanted to know what 20 dollars is in pounds. I used the app and boom, it converted me to Buddhism, so I now know that money is not the path to happiness after all.”

“Uh huh. Anything else?”

“Yep, it generates jokes. Let’s see…What’s a pirate’s favourite animal? A budgerigaaaarrr.”

“Hmm that’s factually inaccurate, it’s a parrot . I don’t like this watch, I’m gonna smash it.”

“Good luck, it’s unbreakable! Even if you throw it in front of a train that’s driven by someone who hates watches.”

“Pftt, is that what the watch salesman told you?”

“Uh, salesman? It’s the twenty-first century thank you very much. I bought it online.”

“Right, well, has anything else been going on since I last saw you?”

“Well it’s like Willy Wonka says, I’ve been real busy doing absolutely nothing. OUCH!!!”

“I think we should break up.”

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