Believe it or not, I was a teenager once and oh man, it’s not an easy couple of years. And if you’re a teenager, then I’m guessing you’re struggling like a fly in a “spiders who hate flies” conference. But get ready for all your depression to fuck off back to Depression County, once you follow these amazing life changing tips I’ve compiled. Man, if someone had given me this handy guide when I was a teen I would’ve been all “the fuck is this? Reading’s for squares.”
But if you’re a struggling adolescent who is a square and reads, then I hope this list helps you kick puberty in the dick.
• Don’t put your drink down at a party. ALWAYS BE DRINKING
• If you didn’t study for the big test, just call in a bomb threat. Use a real bomb so you won’t get in trouble for calling in a fake one. Technicality!
• If you’re ever getting bullied, just tell the bully to fuck off. If this doesn’t work, congrats, you are dreaming cos in reality that always works!
• Worried because you dont know what you wanna do after high school? Well think about this: there are middle aged idiots who don’t know either! DO YOU WANNA BE A MIDDLE AGED IDIOT WITH NO AIMS? HELL NO, DECIDE ON SOMETHING. Just flick open a book of jobs and pick something. QUICKLY!
• Always practice safe sex: only bang in places you know the door definitely locks properly.
• You might think smoking cigarettes is cool but lemme tell you something: smoking weed is way cooler.
• Don’t give into peer pressure, because you shouldn’t have to! Be ahead of the game and be doing the rad thing in the first place, then you don’t have to be annoyed by people telling you to do it.
• If you have a crush on someone, PLAY IT COOL!
(“IT COOL “is the name of a rap song I wrote, produced, and recorded which is available for purchase from all good McLachlan Cassette Tape Outlets.)
The lyrics go:
“It cool to be a cool cat
It cool to be so phuckin phat
That’s phat with a p h OK
It ain’t cool to be a fatty hey”
• Got bad acne? DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE I REPEAT DO NOT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE
• If you get too drunk just run it off.
• Don’t discriminate against anyone unless they are a pedo.
• Beauty magazines are full of shit. Ignore them. In fact, burn the newsagents to the ground. Better yet, burn every magazine outlet to the ground. BURN EVERYTHING.
• Don’t study. You are a teen; don’t waste the greatest days of your life reading books. There’ll be plenty of time for reading when you’re an adult and don’t have a job because you didn’t study. But it’ll be worth it for all that cool video game playing and pizza eating you did.
• You can do anything you put your mind to as long as it’s realistic and you put in a lot of practice and you have shit loads of confidence and aren’t a fucking idiot.