I recently approached Joe Biden for an interview. He said he was keen, but on one extraordinary condition: we could discuss anything except his presidency. I passed. But he kept texting me “please” so I reluctantly agreed.
MM: So Mr. Biden, let’s chat about your presidency.
JB: Nooo, you promised!
MM: Oh yeah sorry. Um, OK then, what are you reading at the moment?
JB: I’m actually revisiting a novel I wrote in the late 80s, The Spearing of Leroy Atlantis. It’s half western, half sci-fi, or as I like to call it, wi-fi. It focuses on a young mafia chief who has to deal with a rat in his group. It’s controlling his right hand man Big Joey McRoss by sitting under his yamaka and moving his hair. If I could rewrite it I’d make some changes, like include more rap battles, and fix up a few of the typos maybe.
MM: What’s a typical Saturday afternoon for you?
JB: Wake up, head to the Manhattan Aquarium for their peanuts, best goddamn peanuts in New York, lemme tell you. Then I call up Iggy Pop and we chat about Becker. After that, head down to McAvoys on 39th for a pint of pinot grigio, a tuna casserole of the day and some open mic comedy. Weather depending, I’ll then play some Narg Squad over at Olaf’s Arcade, and once I’m outta quarters, I’ll head home for a well deserved poop.
MM: Do you have a go to party trick?
JB: Yeah, I can open a can of Solo using only my right elbow. Took me years to perfect that one. Cost me my marriage, my job and my favourite motorcycle, but it’s worth it just to see those partygoers cheer as they get sprayed with pub squash and elbow blood.
MM: What’s your favourite animal?
JB: Ooh tricky. I have had a soft spot for meerkats ever since I saw The Lion King 2 but then again my best friend at college was murdered by a pack of the bastards walking home one night. So maybe not them. Geese are pretty grouse but I feel like everyone says geese. Does everyone say geese?
JB: OK, well, lock in geese thanks mate.
MM: Who’s the –
JB: Nah actually, let’s go meerkats, fuck it.
MM: Alright. Who’s the most influential person you’ve met?
JB: I bumped into Andy Samberg at the premiere for Baby Driver. I was like “hey, are you in this?” He was like “nah, just here to watch the film.” I was like “oh damn, got excited for a sec.” He was like “ha yeah sorry.” Then I went to ask him a few questions about Hot Rod but he was like “sorry, my wife is waiting for me” and I was like “ah yeah no worries”, and he was like “what” and I was like “ah was just saying no worries”, and he was like “oh” then he left and I saw him stop to chat with Jamie Foxx for like twenty minutes. But whatever, screw him.
MM: What’s your star sign?
JB: People always assume I’m a Sagittarius because I’m colourblind but I was actually born right in between June 28 and June 29, so I don’t technically have a star sign. There’s a few of us – Jake Gyllanhal, Dawn Fraser, Ladyhawke. We call ourselves The Nodiacs and meet up every fortnight for iced coffees and grapefruit over at Saxby’s Park. Dawn taught me how to fly a kite the other week, was rad.
MM: What are your favourite candies?
JB: Getting real into Snackahumphries lately. And you can’t go past Caramuels, Swazzbankles, Gumknuckles, Penny Funkirks, and of course Zunxz!
MM: Do you have a favourite quote?
JB: Yeah, read a great one online the other day. “Go hard or go home.” Thought that was pretty clever, and had a really nice font.
MM: Cool. Well that’s about it. Anything you wanna plug?
JB: Ooh yeah, Lad Shack, it’s a podcast I do with my high school mates. We just slam back some brews and talk about whatever, you know. We did a ripper one the other week where we prank called Burger King and asked to speak to the manager cos we say we found an eyebrow in our fries, oh man. Pisser.
MM: Joe, it’s been an honour.
JB: The pleasure is all mine.
MM: I said honour, not pleasure.
JB: Ah shit. Shit!