In this modern age of podcasts and Netflix and books, it’s easy to forget about music. And who doesn’t love the greatest genre of music there is: Christmas.
So I made a list, I checked it twice, now have a read to see which songs are nice!
(I didn’t actually check it twice by the way, sorry if there’s errors)
Hang A Bauble On The Ol’ Green Tree – Benny Detroit (1954)
We’ll be smoking cigars and blowing balloons
And eating kippers while watching cartoons
We’ll be drinking radish juice and feeling quite swell
Oh yes, Christmas spirit is alive and well
While some of the Christmas traditions described in the song have dated slightly, especially the third verse about winning the big annual meerkat race and the constant references to The Boxing Day Bugle Boy, this is one of Benny “The Christmas King” Detroit’s most popular tracks.
In fact it’s tempting to fill this entire list with songs by the charismatic crooner, who released at least three Christmas albums a year over his nine decade career (they make up almost a third of his entire discography!)
But this wonderful anthem for December 25th, from his nineteenth Christmas album A Benny Detroit Christmas, has become one of his biggest hits thanks to its use in a commercial for Fuckboy Condoms.
Fuck You Santa – The Spannerz (2007)
I Didn’t Get No Booze or Drugs
Just Got Old Bitches Givin’ Me Hugs
Not Down With That, Needs Me Some Danger
Knock Down The Tree, Pull Down The Manger!
FUCK YOU SANTA! FUCK YOU SANTA!
This cheeky punk track is a bit of a twisted carol of sorts, so be careful not to play this one when the elderly relatives are around! Lead singer Large Mick said in an interview with Mosh Magazine he got the idea while fighting with his parents on Christmas Day. “I just realised fuck this shit, you know. Then I got thinking, well fuck the holiday, fuck the decorations, fuck Santa!”
The song became so successful during the late 2000s, the band played it live even when it wasn’t the silly season, substituting Santa with Bush. They failed to change the other lyrics though, which caused some confusion.
I Shot A Man On Christmas Day – Paul Jettburn (1967)
Well, I’m chewing on a toothpick, and I’m sitting in my cell
Tomorrow I will get the chair, guess then I’ll be in hell
Things are looking pretty grim, don’t think I’ll be OK
All because I shot a man, killed him on Christmas Day
Legendary country singer Paul Jettburn wrote and recorded this sombre ditty while sipping a whiskey in a bar alone on Christmas Day, while his children and wife sat in the car outside for several hours.
Jettburn was known to often sing the carol on Christmas Day to inmates as they were executed, sometimes as their dying wish, other times unannounced.
Christmas in Down Under! – Keith Harrows (1968)
Slap on your sunscreen, don’t forget ya thongs
Grab ya favourite wombat and put ya sunnies on
Get a surfboard and enjoy the sun
Let’s have a bonza Chrissy everyone!
Lovable larrikin entertainer Keith Harrows wrote this novelty Christmas song after being sick of all the Christmas carols mentioning snow and Winter. Originally titled Stick Ya Poofter White Christmas Up Ya Arse, You Dirty Poms And Deadshit Yanks the song was reworked to appeal to a younger audience.
The song did still receive criticism however, when it was pointed out years later it has the exact same tune as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, resulting in a lawsuit that sent Harrows into bankruptcy and an early death.
Don’t Dump Me Honey, It’s Christmas – The Mockens (1989)
Come on baby, I know I stink and ramble
Well this is crazy, just cos I drink and gamble
Little baby Jesus, he wouldn’t want this
Let’s forget our troubles, come on and gimme a kiss
This cool rock song was autobiographical, as while recording their Christmas album A Very Merry Mockens Christmas, lead singer Billy Mocken was fighting a lot with his girlfriend (pop singer Lena Telmore) at the time Their constant arguments also inspired the other songs on the album Babe Please, I Only Kissed Her Because It Was Christmas and Merry Christmas Sweetie, I Think I Left Our Baby At The Supermarket.
Keep The Turkey Warm, I’m Coming Home – Bobby Coleman (1944)
I know when you’re putting up that wreath you’re thinking of me
The children are asking mummy, where’s our dearest daddy
Well as soon as I’ve killed Hitler, and watched him burn
I’ll be home to see you my love, you’re the one for whom I yearn
Originally written to support and inspire the US troops during World War 2, this song has gone on to be a Christmas classic. It’s been covered numerous times, including it’s reworking by Christian yodeller Shayni Heavens in 2003, replacing the eighteen references to Hitler with Bin Laden.
The song also inspired the Bruce Hellhair: Hitler Killer sextology of films, and its spin off comic books, baseball cards and skin products.
Xmas In The Hood – Buzz n Esky (2002)
Christmas in the hood, it can be pretty rough
The metro cop stops me, (man that’s tough!)
Come on man its chrissy just gimme a break
But he fucks me over, yeh that takes the fuckin cake
This Aussie hip hop track examines what it’s like for those less fortunate during Christmas.
In this heartbreaking tale of a not so fun Christmas day, the protagonist finds himself with no beer in the fridge, a broken bong and worst of all, he’s out of ciggies.
This track really makes you think about the poor people out there who suffer during the festive season. As MC Esky said in an interview with pop culture website Sick Mutt, “I was fucking over all these gay songs celebrating Christmas, going on about how good it is and shit. Man, growing up in Ringwood I didn’t have none of that crap, mum was a bitch, she gave me like fuck all presents, and dad was fuck knows where, was bullshit you know.”
Godfrey The Friendly Flea – Jenny August (1951)
Santa said Godfrey, you are itchy and annoying
But while I’ve been sleighing and while I’ve been toying
You’ve been a good companion, you’ve been a good friend
So I’m not going to let your little life end
Godfrey The Friendly Flea is a heart-warming children’s song about Santa befriending one of the fleas that lives in his beard. While the other fleas tease Godfrey, he’s the only one who understands the true meaning of Christmas and unlike his family and friends, is spared from Santa’s wrath.
August went on to release several sequels to the song featuring other comical characters living in Santa’s beard, including Ned the Nitwit Nit, Louise the Lovable Louse and Rocko The Rancid Rat.
Shots On Christmas! – The Pärty Boizz (2012)
When I’m fucked up, things get fuckin’ weird
Snort icing sugar, put on my beard
Grab the mistletoe, do my thing
Then I scull that vodka, cos I’m the Christmas king
The eccentric Norwegian electronic party duo’s ode to dressing up as Santa Claus and doing an excessive amount of drugs and getting blackout drunk on Christmas Day is a catchy track that we can all relate to.
It’s definitely worth checking out the music video where DJ Oxbraggën shakes his scrotum during the Sack of Goods bridge.
It’s Christmas Day! (But Hey, Also, Don’t Forget That It’s Not That Good For Everyone) – Heal Balm (1985)
Well, as you pour the eggnog and decorate that tree
And while you’re passing presents and chugging down that rich whiskey
Just remember Santa doesn’t visit everyone
Spare a thought for them while you’re having all that fun (let’s rock!)
Written and produced by Brampton Geese frontman Sir Gus Jelcro, this Christmas song by supergroup Heal Balm is best known for it’s incredible cameos by UK singers Harry Neptune, Ellie Kneebone, Ron “Echo” Rogers, Xanadu Redfern, Butch Freewell, Sandy, Natalie Glum, Michael Arrow, Ned Carlo, Marvin Jump, Connor Wave, Jason Elbows and Paul McCartney.
Jelcro said he was inspired to write the song due to the lack of supergroups in Britain, and his desire to be featured in Charity Songs Monthly.
With this star-studded ensemble it’s very easy for the important message of the song to be lost. But I think it’s about how great Christmas is. I dunno, haven’t heard it in a while.