Christmas time is special in that it can be enjoyed by pretty much everyone in the world – Christians, Catholics, and even Protestants. We all get a heart boner when we see the decorations appearing in stores around mid-June, and even a regular boner depending on the baubles they use.
But what’s better than Christmas? That’s right, nothin’. But what’s almost better? Exactly, movies. And what’s even better than Christmas and movies combined? You got it – Christmas Movies.
So here are my absolute essential favourite greatest Chrissy flicks of all time ever. Well, the first ten I could think of anyway.
Don’t Forget the Christmas Tree! (1997)
This farcical family film follows hapless husband to be Greg Gibbons (played by action star Hector Hernandez) desperately trying to find the last Christmas tree in town to impress his fiancé’s parents. Of course all ends well, but there’s a few nail-biting moments throughout, including the classic scene where a security guard just beats the absolute crap out of him for no reason.
ShitSnot the Dirty Elfy (2002)
This is one Christmas film that is definitely NOT FOR KIDS and is full of hilarious gross out gags, like ShitSnot falling face first into a pile of reindeer crap, Santa getting his dick stuck in the Christmas turkey and Mrs. Claus just throwing up heaps.
The Littlest Snow Man in Tinselville (1961)
This animated musical masterpiece about Slushy the Snow Man discovering the true meaning of friendship on Christmas Day is an absolute joy to revisit. You’ll definitely want to show this warm blast of nostalgia to your own kids, although maybe just fast forward the slightly problematic songs that haven’t quite stood the test of time, like “Boys Are Better”, “Asians Don’t Get Presents” and “Gays Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Get Married.”
When Santa Met Mrs (1990)
Set in the swinging 60s, this delightful rom com tells the quirky story of the formation of one of the North Pole’s biggest power couples. With plenty of quotable lines like “you had me at ho ho ho”, “I’ll ho ho ho what she’s ho ho ho-ing” and “I wanna bang ya!” this uplifting feel good flick will make you realise that true love lasts forever.
Merry-tal Problems (1992)
This sequel to When Santa Met Mrs deals with the ugly bitter divorce between the Claus couple. Some truly moving moments include the courtroom scene where mail workers bring in bags worth of restraining order paperwork, and the montage of Santa overdosing on pills to Jingle Bell Rock when he loses custody to his elves.
Jesus and Mary go to Bethlehem (2009)
This stoner road trip comedy tells the story of lovable loser Joseph (Jesse Bergstrom) trying to get himself and his very pregnant wife Mary (Lizzy Stein) to Bethlehem. On their chaotic journey they get into some sticky situations, have outrageous arguments, and run into a few quirky characters. An absolutely star-studded cast, this cult classic features particularly side-splitting performances from Will McClusky, Judd Bond and Joey Griffin as the Three Wise Men, and you can’t go past Jimmy Banner’s cameo as the flamboyant hotel manager.
Santa Size Me (2005)
In this shocking documentary aimed at discrediting the feats of Santa Claus, filmmaker Mervin Leonard sets out to discover whether it really is possible to visit every child in the world’s home in one night. While the results of the study are inconclusive, as Mervin is arrested three minutes into his experiment, the doco is known for inspiring many people to question their beliefs, and was a PR nightmare for Christmas Industries Pty Ltd.
Haxerz 2: The Christmas Code (1999)
In this straight to VHS sequel to the beloved tech action drama, a bunch of online cyber terrorists deploy an international megabit virus that will delete December 25 from the calendars of every computer in the world. It’s up to our heroes at Haxerz HQ, the top secret special division of the Australian government, to race against the clock to disable the program and save Christmas.
While Haxerz 2 doesn’t have quite the same spark, charm and budget as the original, and none of the original cast has returned (our heroes XY, Type, n00b, G1 and Tommy Boy are now all played by uncredited actors) you can’t help but fist the air and cheer on the team when they defeat the evil Swedes and the Prime Minister quips “that’s a massive control alt delete for the bad guys!”
Around the World in Eighty Sleighs (1979)
Spurred on by a wager set by his old army pal The Easter Bunny, Santa and his boyfriend Nippy attempt to deliver gifts to every boy and girl on not just one day of the year, but eighty. This film is notable for its impressive stunts, like when Santa (played by eighty-four-year-old Jedd Hotherington in his debut role) jumps a speedboat over a pride of lions and when Santa’s long-time rival Krampus blows up an orphanage.
Get The Guns (1987)
There’s a debate every year as to whether this action thriller is technically a Christmas film, and I’ve certainly defended it in some fiery Christmas lunch debates with relatives, which have resulted in a lot of crying. Sure, this bloody violent film where Sergeant Ace Connor must infiltrate a crack-house full of evil Russians to save his wife and prove he has what it takes to be a police officer might not feature any carols, plum pudding, or any actual mention of Christmas, but there’s a scene where Ace says “fuck you, you dead German fuck, and happy new year” as he sets fire to him and if that doesn’t scream happy holidays then I don’t know what does.