In these days of uncertainty and fear, it doesn’t help that there’s a lot of misinformation going around about how to prevent catching the Corona virus. 


Luckily I’ve done a lot of Facebook post reading, Bing-ing, and chatting to my roommate who loves Scrubs, and have compiled this educational, comprehensive, and accurate as heck guide to kicking COVID-19 in the dick:


Rub garlic on your chest hair (if you don’t have chest hair, try drinking some onion soup).


Wash your feet in a combination of maple syrup, oregano and raspberry Fanta.


Drink a microwaved gin and tonic out of a badger skull.


Wear a lavender beret while snorting cinnamon.


Chew a red capsicum eight times while listening to Uptown Girl backwards.


Dye your nostril hair orange.


Don’t eat anything with a crust, shell or uni-brow. 


Gargle shandy in a bathtub filled with mayonnaise while humming the Sopranos theme.


Hold your breath in a circus.


Yell at a pelican every nine minutes.


Do a handstand using only your feet.


Sniff the left wing of a toucan named Belvedere.


Pronounce the word lieutenant incorrectly.


Sexually harass an onion.


Record a hip hop Christmas album in Portuguese.


Drunk call your cousin’s boss while doing a De Niro  impression (preferably Taxi Driver or Meet The Fockers).


Avoid onion soup.


So there we have it, follow that guide exactly and you’ll be 100% immune from the corona-virus! Or at the very least you’ll have less back acne.


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