In these days of uncertainty and fear, it doesn’t help that there’s a lot of misinformation going around about how to prevent catching the Corona virus.
Luckily I’ve done a lot of Facebook post reading, Bing-ing, and chatting to my roommate who loves Scrubs, and have compiled this educational, comprehensive, and accurate as heck guide to kicking COVID-19 in the dick:
Rub garlic on your chest hair (if you don’t have chest hair, try drinking some onion soup).
Wash your feet in a combination of maple syrup, oregano and raspberry Fanta.
Drink a microwaved gin and tonic out of a badger skull.
Wear a lavender beret while snorting cinnamon.
Chew a red capsicum eight times while listening to Uptown Girl backwards.
Dye your nostril hair orange.
Don’t eat anything with a crust, shell or uni-brow.
Gargle shandy in a bathtub filled with mayonnaise while humming the Sopranos theme.
Hold your breath in a circus.
Yell at a pelican every nine minutes.
Do a handstand using only your feet.
Sniff the left wing of a toucan named Belvedere.
Pronounce the word lieutenant incorrectly.
Sexually harass an onion.
Record a hip hop Christmas album in Portuguese.
Drunk call your cousin’s boss while doing a De Niro impression (preferably Taxi Driver or Meet The Fockers).
Avoid onion soup.
So there we have it, follow that guide exactly and you’ll be 100% immune from the corona-virus! Or at the very least you’ll have less back acne.