Mate, amigo, kemo sabe, le amigo.
No matter where you are in the world there’s a word for friend. (Except in Enemiesville, which is famous for abandoning words in the 1800s). Someone once told me “Friendship is universal.” And you know who said that? That’s right, my trusty robot Quotey. And you know who made him? A neighbour. In fact you could even call them…a next door neighbour.
Friends can come in many shapes and sizes: circular and slim, hexagonal and pint, obtuse and XXL. Some friendships last a lifetime, while some last only thirteen seconds, but I’ve been told that’s totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of and some guys can’t even start a friendship at all, let alone have it go for a whole thirteen seconds OK??
Whether it’s helping me move house, or donating a kidney to me, or talking me out of getting involved in dangerous illegal street games, or donating another kidney to me after I lost it in a game of knife wrestling, my friends can be pretty okay. So I thought it was time to repay my closest friends with the grandest kindest gesture I could think of: writing this short article about some of them.
So, here are a few of my favourite friends.
(Note: for legal reasons, please do not stalk them, as I have used their real names)
Jase was one of my first friends. We used to muck around in class making fart noises, laughing about how girls are gross, and bonding over our Tazo collections.
I still see him every now and then, this time over a beer or two instead of chockie milks, and we’ll laugh about the time we placed a whoopee cushion on Old Man Franklin’s chair or when we pushed Gus Warrington into the girls toilets.
Sure there were tough times, like when I went to Mickey Walker’s birthday party instead of his, or when he did a spew all over my new Matchbox cars, but all in all Jase is definitely one of my best uni mates.
Annie “The Goose” Eckhart
Annie and I hosted a commercial radio program Arvos with McLachlo & The Goose on Good Times FM back in the Summer of ‘19.
Our brilliant rapport earned such text messages as “keep it up”, “woooooo”, and “what was that song?” I like to think we redefined the concept of radio, with our groundbreaking regular call-in segments like Who’d Ya Root?! and Tell Us About Ya Day.
One time The Goose waxed my back while I listened to different farts and guessed which celebrity they belonged to, which just proved we didn’t need to be in the studio to have fun together.
I haven’t seen The Goose since I accidentally spilled a bucket of mayonnaise on the recording equipment during our segment Can McLacho Drink It!? and put the show into an indefinite hiatus. But sometimes when I’m feeling nostalgic I’ll look at the photo of the time we kidnapped The Goose’s ex and poured chilli in his eyes for the segment Screw You, Mark! and smile.
Only one word can describe my buddy Fish and that’s “random.” Whether it’s wearing a purple t-shirt with shorts, going to a laundromat on a Thursday, or playing Angry Birds, this kooky character is cooked as!
I’ll never know what adventures I’m gonna get up to when this wacky bloke picks me up in his Toyota Camry (yeah that’s right! A Camry!!) but I know one thing’s for sure – it’s gonna be a silly bonkers time.
I couldn’t possibly pick one single highlight from our truly surreal outings over the years but I still shake my head at the times Fish told a bloke at the pub to “have a good one” or when he ordered a cheese and bacon pie at the bakery.
He sure is a very random fella but by Zeus’ scrotum, I love him more than a Swedish skunk loves a polka dotted party dress.
Chug was my co-worker in the sales department over at Lemon Gerkin Real Estate. We didn’t do a lot of selling, but oh boy, we sure did do a hell of a lot of being cool.
Chug smashed down brewskies like there was no strict ban on consuming alcohol in the office. Instead of working, Chug would often talk me into playing a few cheeky drinking games like “desk shots”, “absinthe scrabble” and “fuckin lets drink a million beers, who cares if it’s Monday, fuck.” Our boss wasn’t often around so we’d take full advantage of the age old rule “when the cat’s away, the mice will get alcohol poisoning.”
Our glory days ended the afternoon I was cheering Chug on while he sculled the office champagne from the office boot, just as the manager, the CEO, and the alcohol inspector all walked in.
I’m happy to say Chug has now cleaned up his act and no longer engages in awful, depressing, selfish, destructive, toxic behaviour, having decided to stop working in sales.
Louie was my old mafia associate from when I was an undercover cop.
The two of us would get into some classic shenanigans, like the time he got stabbed by Laverne Evanescence after he double crossed Donny Two Nickels while we were robbing Alfonso Messina’s casino, or when we got beaten up by Vince Winnipeg for chatting to Tiffini Lusthard at Freddy “Stooge” Whitehorse’s yacht party or when we went to the zoo.
Our friendship did hit a bit of a snag when he found out I was a cop and I found out he didn’t like the TV show Daria, but I like to think we were able to look past each other’s differences. Although we did kinda lose touch after I went into the witness relocation program and he was murdered.
When it comes to evil spirits that live in your attic, Count Ghoul is one of the friendliest.
He keeps his demonic howling to a minimum when I’m trying to watch a movie; stops his goblin mates from devouring me while I sleep when they’re over for board game night; and when he’s done drinking the souls of the innocent, he places the cups in the dishwasher.
Sure he can sometimes be a bit of a pain, like when he attempts to drag me into the depths of hell when he’s had too many shots of bat blood and loses a bet with Lucifer and needs to sacrifice a virgin, but he always makes up for it by paying his share of the rent in a timely manner.
I hope this list has made you realise just how amazing friendship is. Because you can’t spell friendship without friends. Screw family, screw lovers, hell, even screw stunt doubles. Friends are where it’s at. They wouldn’t make a sitcom all about friends if they weren’t so important. (how good is Becker??)
So when you’ve finished reading this list, and your heart erection settles, why not pick up the phone, call up your best buddy, and say “hey mate, it’s me. You should check out Murphy McLachlan, he’s great.”