Murphy’s Guide to Winning a Job Interview

Want job but keep screwing up the interview? Never fear, idiot, you’ll soon be beating jobs off with a stick after following these simple steps:

  • Put your feet on the desk. This shows dominance! Trust me; the interviewer will lap it up.
  • Bring the interviewer a gift. Examples: a bra catalogue, an old shirt you don’t want anymore, some coat hangers.
  • Use a cool new name. Statistics show your name is probably something boring which is a big no no in the getting a job books. So come up with something snazzy, like Vance Ecstasy or Crash Astronaut or Bruce Willis.
  • Show off your unique skills. Don’t just let your résumé do the talking! Show to the interviewer that you really can burp the alphabet, scull two litres of milk, throw a stapler through a window, and fart the alphabet.
  • Hit on the interviewer. If you got it, flirt it! I recommend laughing hard at every single thing they say, saying seductive stuff like “Damn babe, you could fry eggs on that body”, and sitting on their lap.
  • Play it cool. Don’t do any research on the company, rock up late, and chew gum throughout the entire interview; otherwise you’ll look like a square.
  • Dress for Success. Attire is very important in a job interview. Wear a ridiculous hat to show you are not afraid to try new ideas; wear a funny T-shirt to demonstrate your sense of humour (I recommend something like “MY OTHER T-SHIRT IS NOT COVERED IN MUSTARD STAINS”), and wear jeans with rips in them to show you are one fashionable dude/dudette.
  • Be assertive. Challenge the interviewer to a fight.
  • Finish with a bang. When the interviewer asks if you have any questions say “yeah, was this your card?”, then get your friend (dressed as a generic playing card) to cycle in and shoot the interviewer with a water pistol while you let off fireworks. That way you will definitely stand out against the other interviewees. (Unless they’ve also read this guide). Alternatively, finish with a freestyle rap summing up the interview, e.g. “Well I think it went well/ gave some good examples” etc.

And there we have it! If you don’t get a job out of this, you bloody read it wrong.


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