Legitimate Sailors

It was fifteen and a half minutes into the weekly S.S Pirates Corp Pty Ltd meeting and the members were still arguing over Item One, when Long Tom Bronze burst in.

“Well, look who decided to finally show his drunken, uncouth, scurvied self,” scoffed Lance Herring, who had taken it upon himself to lead the meeting, after Captain Sea Salt had got his hook stuck in his peg leg, which was stuck in the coffee machine.

“Hey, I’m only half drunken and I passed that scurvy onto a dog and I dunno what uncouth means,” Bronze full-drunkenly muttered, as he sat on his superior, Hookbeard.

“By Barnacle’s ghost, get off me, you barnacle brained barnacle! Anyway, Herring, as I was saying—we can’t change the flag’s design! It’s perfect. It’s a skull and cross bones! It’s like what’s on poison bottles. It’ll show people we’re dangerous. Like poison!”

“Can’t argue with that. All in favour?” Bronze aggressively pointed one of his large bottles of rum at every member.

“You are not running this meeting, Bronze! I am!” Herring yelled. “Right, Captain Sea Salt?”

“Yeah whatever, I guess.”

“Right! Now, as you would know, Bronze, if you hadn’t arrived so late—”

“…had a dog to give scurvy to, so…”

“—we do not have a unanimous vote on the flag design, as One Elbow Johnnie is opposed to it.”

“Oh shit, Johnno man, what gives? The skull and bones shit is dope!”

“Bronze, money in the swear jar!” Captain Sea Salt yelled.

“Look, look, I just don’t reckon it makes it clear enough that we’re pirates you know?” One Elbow Johnnie spoke up. “Like, what if people think we’re skull and bones salesmen? Then we’ll look like fools. But if the flag was like, I dunno, “PIRATES” in capital letters, then yeah that’d be clear I reckon…”

“We can’t just flat out advertise we’re pirates, dude!”

“That’s enough, Ross!” Herring scolded the newest member. “Look, let’s just move onto the next issue. The plank.”

Everyone started arguing at once.

“Johnnie was meant to fix it last weekend!”

“No, no, no, I won a bet with Bronze, he’s gotta do it!”

“Not true, I swapped chores with Hookbeard.”


“Enough!” Captain Sea Salt barked. “Ross, you fix it.”

“Aw what?”

“Now that’s how you captain,” Sea Salt patted himself on the back using his one good hand and his one bad back. “Write this down, Herring.”

“Yes sir.”

“You’re holding the quill stupidly.”

“Sorry sir.”

“Hey you know, the captain was the one who actually broke the pla—”

“Quiet Ross!”

“Excellent yelling at Ross there, Herring. You’re still holding the quill stupidly though. ”

“Sorry sir.”

“Alright is the meeting done yet? I got me some free time that needs havin’,” Bronze started heading out the door.

“Not yet, Bronze! There’s still the matter of your parrot.”

“Oh, Sir Screams-a-lot? What’s wrong with him?”

“He poops a lot,” Herring responded. “If you don’t get rid of him, I will…”

“Pft, you wouldn’t dare, mate, you got less balls than scrote hairs.”

“Oh I would. I know a bird enthusiast couple who’ve been looking to adopt a parrot into a good home for a looooong time now. All I gotta do is call them up! Heh heh heh…”

“That’s it!”

Bronze went to punch Herring but missed and hit the coffee machine. The impact caused Captain Sea Salt to fly out of it and knock into Hook Beard, who fell into Bronze, who dropped his empty rum bottle in surprise onto One Elbow Johnnie , who instinctively reacted by punching Herring in the face.

“Ross did it!” everyone yelled, except Ross.

“Ross, you’re fired!” Herring screamed.

“You don’t have firing power, Herring!” bellowed Sea Salt. “You’re fired!”

“You can’t fire me! You’re fired!”

“Not if I fire you first!”

“Well, I quit!”

“You can’t quit, I’m fired!”

“Well, how about this- you’re hired!”

“Can’t hire a dead man!”

“You’re not dead, you’re fired!”

“No, you’re fired!”

“You’re BOTH fired!” One Elbow Johnnie piped up.

“No, Johnnie, YOU’RE both fired!”

“Don’t talk to him like that, you’re fired!”

“You can’t fire me; I fired you fifteen minutes ago!”

“Not if I fire you first!”

Long Tom Bronze shot his revolver into the air.

“Guys! Guys guys guys guys guys! I think we’re forgetting the main matter at hand here…we still don’t have a ship.”

Everyone muttered in agreement.


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