If you’re like me, you’re Murphy McLachlan. And that guy likes beer a lot!
So you’ll understand my frustration at constantly seeing “handy” life hacks on the internet which have nothing at all to do with beer! Hey, online, it’s great and all that there’s an “awesome” new method to get my laundry done quicker or an amazing new “way” for me to make money but shut up!
I wanna know about fun thing, and FUN THING ONLY! And that’s the greatest liquid ever discovered:
Dance fuel. Golden wine. Elixir of the beers.
I’m talking about BEER!
So enjoy these 100% certified good old fashioned Murphy endorsed good beer hacks:
Having a bad hot day? Does a regular fridge beer feel like Lucifer himself is shooting a flamethrower down your throat instead of Jack Frost shooting an igloo-thrower down your cold throat? Sounds like you need a cooler alternative!
Simply place a beer in the freezer. That’s right, a freezer! They’re not just for meals your mum made you for the week ahead anymore!
Be warned though; don’t keep the beer in there for TOO long. Then you got a dead beer on your hands. So play it safe and don’t fly too close to the sun. Or should I say the ice sun!
This is the sport of kings: Enjoying a relaxing shower with a beer in one hand, and a shampoo in the other. Or a soap. Or a showercap! Anything goes when it’s Shower Beer O’Clock Time PM!
If you’re still not convinced, scientists did a study and discovered that having a shower beer leads to a happier and longer lasting life, and why would scientists lie?
THE OLD SWITCH AND REVERSE
This one’s an oldy but a greaty: buy a premium bottle of whiskey, pour it down the sink, and then fill it with beer. People will think you’re classy AND you get to drink beer!
ORDER SIX BEERS AT ONCE
Hate waiting in lines like a bloody idiot chump? There’s a solution so simple it might just work. And it does! Order six at once. No more going back to the bar to order for you! Until you finish the six beers, then you need to go back. But that’s a ten minutes later problem!
Oh and if the bar police ask why you’re ordering six at once, just kick them in their groins.
Beer and pie are a winning combination, like pizza and fireworks, Yoko and Ono, and beer and beer.
But why not combine the classic power couple of beer and pie even more? How is that even possible you ask angrily? Well, instead of having a beer WITH a pie, have a pie WITH beer! IN IT! You’ll be the talk of the wherever you are enjoying your beer pie.
SNEAK IN BEERS
How lame is it when you’re not allowed to drink in a cinema or a courtroom or a prison cell? Well now you can say “fuck you rules”, thanks to the power of sneaking in beer. The best methods are pretending the beer is a sick old parrot you’re nursing back to health after you saved it from a parrot fight aboard a pirate ship in the Bermuda Triangle while delivering gold to orphanages; or down your pants. Take that, the law!
THE ULTIMATE PRANK
If you’re like me you’ll have a shit ton of jerk enemies just waiting to get their comeuppance. And that comeuppance comes in the form of a beverage, in the form of a beer, in the form of a shaken up beer.
Simply lure them to your house under the guise of some “social friendship catch-up drinks with nothing to be scared of heh heh heh”, then tell them to look away for 10-15 seconds, and then shake up their beer like you’re shaking up a Polaroid picture!
As Einstein himself discovered back in the past, Motion + Bubbles = Beer going EVERYWHERE!!! Your rival will be shamed forever and will never dare open a beer again. So more for you!
BEER IN COOKING
Meals without alcohol are great and all. IF YOU’RE A SUCKER! Next time you find yourself attempting a bit of food cooking, just substitute any liquid based ingredient with the greatest liquid of all time.
Use beer instead of balsamic vinegar to give that cake an extra bump. Use beer instead of milk to turn those Cheerios into Alcohol Cheerios. And others!
So there you go, a bunch of beer hacks to let you cruise through the drive thru bottle-o that is life. And as we always say here at Murphy McLachlan, remember to get blackout drunk responsibly.