January 26th– the day we all put aside our differences and realise that Australia is the best country in the world and anyone who disagrees is incredibly wrong.
The day we have an excuse to drink insane amounts of alcohol and eat a farm’s worth of animals in one afternoon because that’s what Captain Cook would have wanted.
The day that we play cricket, kick the footy and punch anyone.
If you’re new to Australia Day, here’s a quick guide on what phrases you can and can’t drunkenly stutter at your local gathering.
WHAT TO SAY:
“Throw another slab in the esky!”
“Crikey, I’m more rooted than a kangaroo’s arsehole, Bazza!”
“Carn the snags, she’ll be right.”
“Chuck us the meat pies and plonk, Bruce-o!”
“Bugger the bloody crows. G’day!”
“Bloody fair dinkum, mate, that sheila’s more bloody bonza than a cold tinnie, onya mate, she’s apples.”
“I’m more bloody knackered than a lamington on a barbie, strewth.”
WHAT NOT TO SAY:
“I don’t approve of violence.”
“Greetings, would you kindly do me the honour of passing me a warm light beer? Only one though thanks, I’m driving sober!”
“I can’t wait for Winter!”
“Would you please mind your language, ma’am?”
“I’m not Australian.”
Follow that guide, and you’ll be singing Khe Sahn with a koala in a wifebeater in a ute on Ayer’s rock while glassing a bloody drongo in no time!