In this world full of economic turmoil, famine and Myki, it’s pretty easy to forget about another horrific issue we face each day: the environment is well fucked. We all know and love the environment, but it’s getting a bit cranky and gross in its old age. But don’t worry, using the power of doing things, we can work together to save the environment, through a series of helpful hints and tips I like to call… a series of helpful hints and tips.
The less water we have, the less we survive. This may sound mighty complex, but the solution is simple: Don’t drink as much water. H20 is overrated anyway. When was the last time you started the day with a really memorable refreshing glass of water? Now if there was a rum and coke shortage, OK, sure, then maybe we’d be in trouble. But there’s not, thank God!
Hot water is the main villain, so try to mix things up by jumping into an invigorating ice bath after a long day at work or using the cold tap when filling up your pistol during your daily friendly water fight with the neighbours. Yes, it’s a bit more painful being blasted with a Super Soaker that’s full of cold water, as opposed to luke warm, but we have to make sacrifices. Life can’t be all fun.
Also, be conservative with your washing. Have your clothes accumulated a few stains? Keep wearing them, you selfish bastard, we have a planet to think about. When they start to smell like a dog poop with body odour, then you may wash them. But light wash only! Water is precious; it doesn’t come from trees. It comes from the sky. And we only have one of those.
Avoid switching on your lights during the day. In fact, go that little step further, and keep them off during the night. Walking around the house can become a fun challenge! You can just rely on candles, matches, and the countless fires you’ll accidentally cause.
During the winter, don’t overuse your heater. Obviously, this doesn’t apply if you’re a student living in a share house, because your heater has most likely been broken for months and the landlord won’t fix it. He’s a hero really. Next time you call him a cheap uncaring arsehole, just think about how many penguins he’s no doubt saved with his tight-arsery, and then bake him a “Thank You For Saving Our Environment” cake. Or buy him one, because your oven probably doesn’t work either.
Anyway, if the cold is really getting to you, then there’s an easy practical solution: just use your car heater. Hell, make a road trip out of it and just drive around for ages, getting toasty!
Because they are introduced predators, pet cats are often responsible for destroying beautiful and unique wildlife when they are left to roam the neighbourhood. What I’m getting at is that you should kill your cat.
Speaking of saving animals, everybody on Earth should switch to a vegetarian diet. Pigs, cows, chickens, fish, turkeys, kangaroos and goats taste great and all, but eating meat is a massive contributor to greenhouse gas emissions. So what would you prefer? Some delicious bacon or a delicious world for our children? Yeah, probably the bacon, I agree. But just don’t eat any of the other meat. Ok, maybe beef and fish. Actually, it’d be crazy to give up poultry…hm, you know what? Just don’t eat any endangered animals. Let’s go with that. Well, maybe Tasmanian Devil.
Other Handy Tidbits
I know it’s one of the coolest things to do in the world, but make the sacrifice and give up smoking. Cigarettes cause harm to the environment, not just your wallet. So quit smoking! It’s that simple, folks.
Use a canvas bag when you go to the supermarket. Aw, but you’re at the checkout and you forgot? Tough luck. Get back in your car, drive all the way home and return with it!
Try to avoid eating asbestos.
And that’s that, folks. Take note of all these handy tips and we’ve got ourselves an environment saved. Celebrate with a drink. But not water! Not water.